good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
