i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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