i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
