Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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