I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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