I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
