Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
