connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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