she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
