Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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