Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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