the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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