I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
