Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
