3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
