Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize