Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
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