She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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