yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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