Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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