that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
