I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
