I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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