yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
