Swine flu. Run for my life!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
