What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
