JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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