On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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