and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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