Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
