just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
