i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
