Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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