covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
