Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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