I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
