I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
