A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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