I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
