Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
