He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
