i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
