Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Randomize