I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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