You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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