Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
