I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
