YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
