I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
