he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
