im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
