Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
