It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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