I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
