just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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