Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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