meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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