9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
