oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
