you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
