I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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