Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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