So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
