I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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